It was an [internally] scary moment when I recognized that my heart didn't feel much when we heard heartbreaking news about one of our neighbors. They've found themselves in unfortunate circumstances within the past couple of months, causing them to move from place to place and one job after the other. With just the brief contact I've had with this family throughout the year, it was enough time for all of us to enjoy their company - especially their kids. I was at a loss for words about their situation and began to question God on what I've done to get to the point where I wasn't moved to tears for this family. Soon enough, the tears that blurred my vision for a second came only when I recognized that I may have hardened my heart over the past couple of months in the ways I felt for my neighbors.
I've focused more on myself recently, overlooking those in my surroundings. It even became harder for me to recognize moments where my friends (my team) were hurting or being neglected. I also began to compromise time to color with a sweet neighbor with my need for rest after work. And when in fact I should be slowing down and diving deeper into my commitment to invest, I've found myself doing things faster as if this was a race and not real life.
The conversations with God have been the hardest in the past couple of weeks - they are the ones where I recognize the cracks (actually, holes) in my faith. I've noticed that my tendencies are to look at what God is doing in and through others and doubting the work that He has been doing in and through me. Praises from near and afar have become unsatisfying.
But then, there is the quiet, soft whisper deep down in my soul that tells me to keep going when my deceptive heart wants to give up. Finally, the only thing that satisfies is the encouragement and truth that comes from my Maker. My hope is not found in what I could possibly do to stop the hurting that my neighbors experience. I haven't committed to this lifestyle of simplicity and intentionality to recognize my strengths (in fact, I often forget my strengths and rely on my team to remind me). What we do - living a transparent life in community - doesn't always feel so great. It turns out that having my heart break over what breaks God's doesn’t always feel good.
Yep, living in a community that strives to be intentional, vulnerable, and justice seeking doesn’t always feel good. Being a person of great compassion doesn't feel good. And if it ever does, I find that feeling in me goes away fast with the reality of how big and vast justice issues are in our neighborhood and world. So, why in the world would I desire to continue to live in this way (not just this year or next, but for the rest of my life)?
Simply because as I continue to live in this roller coaster of a journey, I'm constantly finding myself begging God to restore and replenish what has been hurting and broken. I find that where I am weak, He really is strong. I hope and pray for the future of these kids (their education, their surroundings, future mentors) in my neighborhood is one that will not cause them to run away, but stay and build up this community.
But, when I don't have the ability to feel compassion and shed a tear over the things that are broken over all of our [my neighbors, my team, my life, our world] lives, I just have to simply ask Jesus to teach me again. At the end of the day, “It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.” (A Step Along the Way by Bishop Ken Untener of Saginaw).
This blog post is not an answer, but my personal reflection and a work in progress. Here are some quotes that have been challenging me to continue to dive and wrestle in thought on what it means to be compassionate and loving…
"Compassion happens as an act because in community, suffering with others tests the cords that bind communities together. If a community is unable to suffer together, it is unable to suffer with those who are poor. Therefore, by its mere nature, community produces compassion." Christopher Heuertz (Simple Spirituality)
“I would rather make mistakes in kindness and compassion than work miracles in unkindness and hardness.” Mother Teresa
“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.” Dalai Lama XIV
“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” Maya Angelou
“Give, but give until it hurts.” Mother Teresa
“Compassion is the sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It’s the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.” Frederick Buechner
“Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to a place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it.” Henri Nouwen
“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.” Henri Nouwen
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